Pre-Mass announcements at St. Joe’s (satire)
Because sometimes, a bell just ain’t good enough 
Good [morning|afternoon|evening] and welcome to our [time] Mass. My name is [N] and I will be your cantor this [morning|afternoon|evening].
Father [N] will be our very capable [celebrant|presider]. [And [Father] [N] will be [preaching|giving the homily]].We realize that some of you are seasoned worshippers, but we ask that all listen attentively to the following announcements:
- In the case of a liturgical emergency, exits are located at the side and the rear of the worship space. Please locate the exit nearest you, bearing in mind that the nearest exit may be behind you.
- Kneelers are provided in front of you. To use a kneeler, please remove it from its upright and locked position. Please attend to your own kneeler before assisting others. When you are done using the kneeler, please return it to its original position.
- Please ensure that all electronic devices are turned off for the duration of our liturgy. This includes cell-phones, pagers, laptops, and portable music devices.
- For your convenience, we have provided our own music selections located in the [hymnal] which are listed on the hymnal board at the front of the worship space.
We realize that you have [many|few] choices in your worship service and we appreciate your [desire|resignation] to worship with us. Please stand and exchange superficial pleasantries with those around you.
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Peace, AAE.
Agree right down the line with your sentiment. Ideally, the musicians begin playing the hymn, people stand, the procession begins and the people sing. Pastors and musicians use such announcements as crutches to get things going. They might be surprised at getting the same (or better) response by not saying anything.
Except in OUR diocese it would be “the kneelers are to be kept in upright and locked position, except in case of emergency. Should you feel adoration coming on, take two diocesan workshops and stay standing until the crises passes.”
Very funny.
Liturgical Stewardess
Confessions…of an accidental choir director has a very funny post on Pre-Mass announcements.
In my parish, the lady who gives a remarkably similar speech actually uses stewardess-like arm motions to indicate that the boards on which the numbers of the hymns are displayed are located on the four pillars of the church, by the doors. (Both arms point forward, both arms point to the side.) I’ve resisted the urge to ask her which airline she works for.
When I was parish hopping trying to find a decent Mass, one place had a woman who announced that Fr. Joe was the presider, and then used the stewardess arm motion and said “YOU are the celebrants”.
I have to admit that my own time as “cantor” wasn’t filled with perfection. Once I completely forgot the priest’s name… totally went blank. I ended up saying, “The celebrant for this liturgy is… (long pause where panic started to set in. I looked at the priest, just to my left. That didn’t help. I thought, I know your name! Why can’t I think of it. I looked back at the congregation.) …a priest. Please turn to song number…” Loud laughter. This was at a choir Mass and the rest of the choir reminded me of the embarrassing incident for the next year!
I apologized to the priest who was very kind about it, God bless him!
When the cantors said “Please stand and introduce…” at our (commencement) weekend Masses, I heard a fair amount of laughter emanating from the congregation. It’s hard to think that they might have been laughing at anything other than the sheer inanity of the announcement.
Peace, all.
Then of course there’s the old yuk yuk that goes, “Today is the feast of the Assumption. Please stand and greet our celebrant with “Hail Holy Queen.” And the grumble from the church entrance, “Ain’t no way I’m going out there now!”
But truly, who was it who said that if a word will do, don’t use a sentence, if a gesture, don’t use a word; if a glance, don’t gesture?
Parishes should certainly have a sense of community that makes “greet each other” announcements irrelevant. And if they don’t, then one cantor’s lone voice isn’t going to make much of a difference.
Life imitates satire: I have actually heard a “commentator” introduce the celebrant with that “Hail Holy Queen” line!
When I cantor, I always announce the song numbers clearly so that if people cannot see the board that has the numbers they will still know what song we’re singing. Not everyone has good distance vision.
Sounds like the “grip and grin” series of posts on Fr. Rob’s Blog.
At my former parish the first time the congregation saw the cantor was at the psalm.Funny, when treated like adults, the congregation knew what to do.
When the organ began the Opening Hymn, the congregation would stand and sing.
More on this can be found at Fr. Rob’s Blog:
The airline satire is really great!
But I don’t think the cantors should take all the heat here.
We have priests who love to tell us what to do. “Now let’s sing the Gloria!” “Please rise for our prayers of the faithful.” (This priest skips the Creed because he preaches so long.) We get long involved introductions to the Our Father, telling us with what attitude to pray it, including a reflection on the symbolism of holding hands, which we are directed specifically to do.
We get dismissed liturgically and then with “Have a nice day.”
One priest routinely comments on the quality of the cantor’s singing and the readers’ proclamation. We applaud a lot. For stuff like a new altar server or on the birthday of a liturgical minister.
On the 6th Sunday of Easter, one of the priests started the Mass with “Good Morning. Turn to the person next to you and say ‘I love you.’ ” This was connected with Jesus’ commandment to love one another in the gospel for the day. He sincerely seeks to make the liturgy a vehicle to build community. Which it is, but not by the things we add.
I agree wholeheartedly that the cantors shouldn’t take all the heat. Back here, we have been told not to say “greet those around you” but “introduce yourself…” - the rationale being that the greeting takes place at the Kiss of Peace.
Paraliturgical rubrics - gotta love ‘em!
Your satire inspired me to compose this…
IF LITURGY WAS A MILK CARTON:
[front panel]
Pasteurized…
(That’s right, all the old bits of pre-Vatican-II piety have been flash-boiled outta here!)
Homogenized…
(That’s some old dead language way of saying “made the same.” Yep, 99.9% of all the parishes in the U.S. proudly offer the same, bland homilies, the same, trite music, etc.)
Vtamins A & D Added
(Because you can always improve a good thing!)
2% Reduced Fat* MILK
(*Gloria and Creed are omitted, to save time and calories!)
[side panel]
HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
Last current photo:
[photo here]
NAME: Jesus Christ
(Also answers to Real Divine Presence, or Most Blessed Sacrament)
D.O.B.: 12-25-0000
HEIGHT/WEIGHT: Immeasurably great by human standards, yet can fit neatly in a persons heart.
LAST SEEN: …reigning triumphantly in the center of the Sanctuary.
Reports indicate that this missing Person has been relegated to a side chapel, closet, or basement in or near the location He was last seen. If you spot Him, please call your nearest chancery or office of worship, and they will do a better job of hiding Him.
Mass Greetings
Somehow, I don’t think of the Mass celebrant as the queen.
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